I think fresh fruit should come with an assistant

Spring is here and summer is right around the corner!  And do you know what that means?  Sun and margaritas outside and fresh fruit!  Fresh fruit that isn’t a gross, stupid banana or apple or pear.  Yuck.  (In all fairness, I actually like bananas, but after a winter of yucky fruit…well, you know).  With the arrival of fresh summer fruit (kiwi, cantaloupe, berries, oh my!) comes the unfortunate task of having to prepare fresh fruit.

Have any of you ever cut a cantaloupe?  Dear mercy!  I normally leave the melons up to Boo.  He has kitchen experience–like, professional kitchen experience, so he knows what he’s doing.  I paid attention last time and I’m good in the kitchen so I figured I could handle it.  By the time I was done my kitchen looked like an operating room.  My once clean counters were sticky from the juice that ran right off the cutting board.  My floors were sticky as well.  There were seeds and melon guts everywhere.  It. Was. Gross.

When I was finished with this melon I started thinking of ways that Whole Foods could bank on my inability to cut fruit.  I mean, I know that they have the pre-cut fruit in the refrigerated section, but I don’t want that fruit.  I want the melon that I picked out.  Plus, what am I supposed to do with my kiwis?  They don’t sell pre-cut kiwi.  And not that kiwis are particularly difficult to peel/cut but they are still a pain.  And mangoes?!  Do not even get me started on mangoes!

So what if there were some way that I could schedule like, a fruit guru to come to my house and cut my fruit?  You know, the cashier rings up my order, asks if I have one of the Whole Foods bags, and then asks me if I’d like to schedule some time this week to have my fruit sliced.  Yes, we have a Tuesday at 11 with Juan, a 3 o’clock with Becky.  Your melon won’t be ripe until Wednesday?  Okay, sure, we can book you at 10:30 with Celeste. I would freaking LOVE that!  It would make my life so much easier!  My hands would never be sticky!  My counters would stay clean!  My knife skills would never be questioned again because it wouldn’t be my work!

I would totally pay more for fresh fruit if it didn’t come with the fear that I’d waste half my purchase because of my inability to slice a melon.


9 thoughts on “I think fresh fruit should come with an assistant

  1. i particularly like the part where you state “i usually leave the melons to Boo… he knows what he’s doing”

    i digress, i find a really big, like GIANT CLEAVER Style, knife solves this fruit cutting problem.
    personally the reward of fresh fruit is worth all the pain for me. except watermelon. i LOVE watermelon but geez, we can only eat so much. we’re always pawning quarters off on anyone who enters our house

  2. I prefer to cut the fruit myself because it’s cheaper. I don’t mind cutting any of that up except for pineapples. I nearly lost a finger cutting that up.

  3. Paula: I’m so glad I’m not the only one!

    batb: I like the way you think!!

    NSJ: Wow…thank you for calling that line out hahahaha!

    Jessica: You are braver than me, my friend. I could never even attempt a pineapple!

    DoD: Flexibility is another benefit to the fruit slicing business.

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