Umbrellas are SNOW not necessary*

I love snowy days.  I don’t know anyone who doesn’t, and if you tell me that you don’t, I’ll tell you that you have no soul.  But I have one grievance about snow days.  Stupid people, despite the fact that they are normally annoying, are especially annoying on snow days, and I will tell you why in one simple word: umbrellas.

Stupid people carry umbrellas on snow days.  Snow is not an umbrella form of precipitation and you stupid people carrying them have become a burden, nay a safety hazard to the rest of us non-suspecting, non-umbrella-wielding pedestrians.

When it rains, I understand that I have to be on the look-out for “the dip;” that thing that you tall umbrella users do to avoid other umbrellas, nearly poking the eyes out of us short folk in the process.  But when it snows, I’m not prepared for that sort of thing.  So there I am, walking along, looking at those big, fluffy flakes and envisioning the nice warm cup of hot chocolate I’ll be drinking in my nice warm apartment when I get home when BLAM! Umbrella pokey thing right to the eye! Now all I can envision is the nice EMT who will be driving the ambulance to the hospital to remove that bit of metal from my cornea.

If that’s not bad enough, I have to compensate for your “slip” factor.  It’s snowy, it’s slushy and it’s slippery.  These are not ideal walking conditions as it is and then I get stuck behind you, and you’re walking slowly, and I know this because if you are the type to carry an umbrella in the snow then you are the type to walk more slowly than is called for, and you will do one of two things: either A) the stop-short causing me to dodge the pokey thing once again and walk around you while you decide which is the least snowy path (channel Frost here people, just pick a path) or B) you slip.

God forbid you slip, because that umbrella will take on a life of its own and it’s anyone’s guess where it will end up.  Will you throw it?  Will you try to hook it on something, something that is hopefully not me, to save your fall?  Will you jab it at me in the hopes that I will catch it, again, saving your stupid toosh from snowy peril?  No one knows and therefore no one is safe.  Not me, and certainly not you, because let me tell you, nothing could make me more angry on a snow day than trying to go sledding (ah to live somewhere again where I could actually go sledding…) and winding up with an umbrella jammed somewhere in my cranial region.  Should that happen you can expect that favor will be returned, but most likely not in a direct “eye for an eye” sense.

So I’m just asking this one tiny favor on behalf of pedestrians everywhere.  Leave your umbrellas at home and save them for spring.  Pull out a nice little hat and a scarf and brave the weather like the rest of us, with icicle hair and weakened immune systems.

la

*I first published this post on LionConnection.com.  It seemed very fitting that I pull it out again today.

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11 thoughts on “Umbrellas are SNOW not necessary*

  1. yes! i’ve been saying this since i moved here a year ago! i grew up in wisconsin, it snowed half the year, regardless of the temperature, it was just the way of things. not once, ever, did i see anyone carry an umbrella for snow. it makes absolutely zero sense to me.

    and now that i’m here, and i’m tall, i get the umbrellas caught in my hair, ripping me backwards and leaving me without a patch of hair. i’ve taken to keeping one hand up so i can push the umbrellas out of the way and if anyone gets pissed off, i tell them any myriad of things, most of which i’m surprised haven’t ended with me being beaten up with said umbrella.

    seriously though, people walking on the already crowded sidewalks with umbrellas getting caught on everything in the SNOW and WIND who have absolutely no consideration for anyone else around them, especially not the stupid people who didn’t bring an umbrella to the party, suck ass. ugh, so annoying!

  2. i could not agree more.

    snow is to be treasured and enjoyed, if you’re worried about your hair getting wet wear a G-D hat! that’s what winter hats are for!

  3. I love the people who walk around with umbrellas at Penn State on sunny days. Just wear some sunblock. I mean, same concept really, except nobody knows you’re a weirdo.

  4. I don’t like snow when it takes me 45 minutes to drive to work, instead of 10. And when I still have to go to work but all the kids I write about have the day off.

  5. Matt: Actually, this was inspired by Penn Staters but has been continued by New Yorkers. Only problem is that in the city, the big-ass golf umbrella is more prevalent…and more problematic.

    lucklys: Ugh, it’s the WORST, isn’t it?!

    NSJ: Well, yeah, I mean, what’s the point of snow if you can’t show off your cute knit hat?!

    Paula: Well, sloppy rain/snow mixtures make sense but when it’s just pretty flurries and you’ve whipped out an umbrella it’s no good!

    MinD: Haha oh yeah, I forgot about them!

    Andy: Um, ew, that totally sucks.

  6. I would complain about how crappy people drive in the snow but I think the unbrella people are worse because chances are that I won’t lose an eye on a snowy day.

  7. I’d like to defend the umbrella. Especially on a college campus, where you are walking from one end of campus to the other. Also for a girl who enjoys looking her best. I take the time to do my makeup and hair, where the snow will just cause my makeup to run and hair to frizz. Depending on the area, people react differently. Keep an open mind, :)

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