Last night was the premiere episode of Vh1’s Tool Academy, the single best thing to hit airwaves since the first Shot At Love w/Tila Tequila.
I’m not joking.
This show is incredible (the roomie and I couldn’t take our eyes off the screen). 9 tools are nominated by their gfs to participate in the show, but the fun parts is that the guys all think they are at the mansion to participate in the “Mr. Awesome” contest, a competition to judge who is the biggest, baddest alpha male in America. And you should have seen the way these douchebags got off the bus. Rolling, jumping, flexing and popping their collars. It was painfully fabulous.
The main purpose of the show is for these guys to participate in sometimes odd competitions that will prove their non-tooliness in categories like fidelity and communication. The elimination rounds wind up with 3 guys at the bottom who proved that they’ll always be tools and therefore are up for expulsion. The guy who eventually gets the boot gets to hear the host say “I’m sorry, you’re just a tool”, to which last night’s eliminated contestant responded “I know I’m not a tool,” causing Dumb Blonde Tool (while that’s not his actual T.A. name, the guys are all dubbed with Tool names like “Loud Mouth Tool” and “Naked Tool” and probably “Too Tooly To Realize I’m A Tool Tool”) to roll his eyes.
After being asked to hang his T.A. jacket in the front hall closet, the eliminated Tool has to go outside where all the girlfriends are waiting to see just how tooly their guys were this week. After the big reveal, the eliminated tool’s too-stupid-to-live gf must decide on the spot if she wants to stay with this guy who proved too lame to survive a round on a show with competitions designed to be easy for monkeys.
The girls are equally hilarious to watch. All of them say things like “this is my final shot at making it work with my tool of a boyfriend” and “I don’t think he even likes me anymore so this is really my last chance to find out if he really wants to be with me even though he cheats on me.” I really think that the girls are partly to blame for this toolish behavior. I mean, any chick who’s staying with a dude who admitted to cheating or who says things like “I’ve got her trained REALLY well” should probably get her head examined too.
So all in all, the show is fabulous. It is. If by fabulous I mean a total train wreck of a television show featuring the absolute dregs of society that you ABSOLUTELY CANNOT tear your eyes away from, no matter how hard you try.
And that’s exactly how I mean it.