Girl dies in tragic tomato sauce incident, news at 11

Tonight I went to Gristedes.  I spent $37 on ONE bag of groceries.  And I put BACK the $8.99 pesto.

I feel like I am perpetually bitching about my market, but when I look at the above sentence and realize that that is basically my only option, I die a little inside.  But I suck it up, and I go grocery shopping.

Tonight I had a few things in mind that I needed to buy–bread being the most important one, mainly b/c the cold cuts I’d ALREADY picked up weren’t going to do me any good w/o something to put them in between.  So I peruse the bread aisle.  There’s no Pepperidge Farm.  There’s no D’Italiano.  There’s nothing.  FINE Gristedes, thanks, anyway, I’ll just buy rolls.

There are no packs of rolls.  FINE Gristedes, I’ll just buy a single roll.

The single rolls are all stale.

You have GOT to be kidding me ‘Stede, you really do.

I finally went back to the bread aisle and after scrounging for a bit managed to find something that seemed at least mostly edible.

Then I went in search of something to eat with my tortellini.  That’s when I found, and then vetoed, the $8.99 pesto sauce.  I went back to the tomato sauce aisle.  All I wanted was a small jar of sauce.  I’m Italian, yes, and pasta is a massive part of my diet, but I tend to mix up my sauce intake so a big jar is stupid.  Do you KNOW where the little jars are in Gristedes?  Do you know?  Do you want to take a guess?

They are on the highest shelf in the freaking store. The HIGHEST shelf.  Do you know how well that works for someone who is my height?  NOT WELL!  And do you know how many tall people walked by me, while I was on my tippy toes, pinky-inching this stupid jar of sauce (which was OF COURSE 1 jar’s width back on the freaking shelf) to where I could finally, hopefully, reach the damn thing?  A LOT!  And do you want to GUESS how many of them helped me?  None.  No one even offered to help.  It was about to be a blood/sauce bath in that stupid aisle.  What would my last words have been in that situation?  DAMN YOU GRISTEDES!

My mother went grocery shopping this weekend.  She spent $33 and got a TRUNKFUL of groceries.  And we don’t live in some podunk little town.  We live in the suburb of a major metropolis.

$33 for a trunkful.

$37 for a bag.

If you ever hear about a Gristedes massacre on the news, I swear–I was at home the whole time.

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17 thoughts on “Girl dies in tragic tomato sauce incident, news at 11

  1. I. Love. Grocery. Shopping.

    I can easily spend filthy amounts of money on the ingredients for one meal. It hurts, but it hurts so good.

  2. There’s a song that comes to mind…

    “Short People” by Randy Newman. OK, I’ll share one verse with you because I know you’re curious…

    “They got little baby legs
    And they stand so low
    You got to pick ’em up
    Just to say hello
    They got little cars
    That go beep, beep, beep
    They got little voices
    Goin’ peep, peep, peep
    They got grubby little fingers
    And dirty little minds
    They’re gonna get you every time
    Well, I don’t want no Short People”

  3. i don’t know what a Gristedes is but it sounds awful… actually it sounds like whole foods.
    and being a retailer i can tell you they put the small sauce jars up there to keep people from buying them, not just you short people. if it’s not at (avg.) eye level it’s inconvenient.
    you should find a taller shopping buddy… one who can also find you another store to shop at. no bread?? really??

  4. Let’s add this to the list of things I don’t miss now that I don’t live in NYC anymore. Also, Gristedes is yucky. At least it’s not Morton Williams – you can totally fill half a bag with $50 of groceries.

  5. I for one feel your pain, and make a motion that we no longer associate with Matt.

    P.S. Have you ever been told that you ought to sue the city? Just out of the blue.

    “You should sue the city…”

    When you inquire as to what you would be seeking justice for you would get this in reply.

    “For laying the sidewalk so close to your ass.”

    Priceless.

    Being short is such a blessing isn’t it?

  6. …Matt failed to mention that another line of that song is “short people have no reason to live.”

    Clearly Matt wants us to die – as I think I’m maybe an inch taller than you? – so we need to plot his murder before he gets an opportunity. You in?

  7. Ben: For the sake of a really kick-ass meal I never mind. For bread and pasta, it makes me cry.

    Matt: Randy Newman. Really? All I can think about now is Family Guy. “Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot.” You’re lucky I happen to find that bit amusing or we would SO not be friends anymore!

    NSJ: I really do need taller friends. As for the bread, my roomie said they were out last week too. Time to get a new bread guy Gristedes!

    Andy: For booze maybe, or really good cheese. But not for sauce.

    Arielle: Ah, I envy your Gristedes-free life now!

    Heather: Who told you that you should sue the city?! I MUST know!!

    MinD: You make a good point–Matt, what do you have against short people? Are you heightist?

    Apollo: Duh, of course it is.

    rs27: Those are 2 excellent notes.

  8. Grrr. As a short-arse myself, I can certainly identify with the placement of the products i want on the highest shelf being a complete PAIN IN THE ARSE.

    I’m not sure that sentence made sense.

    I’m sure it’s only when I’m commenting on your posts that my sentences stop making sense. This is getting weird.

    I’ll totally be your alibi though.

  9. It’s a classic scene – the shopper scales the shelves, triggering a collapse, an avalanche ensues, then she emerges from the saucy rubble with a single jar that she places delicately in her cart – totally unaware of the disaster.

    As to “pinky-inching” – great term however the scientific roots are doubtful – would extend the copyright to trademark status!

  10. I hate grocery shopping in NYC. Not only is everything expensive but the stores are small and cramped* and they never have the same thing from one week to the next. I bet if you go to Gristedes next week, you’ll find shelves of rolls.

    *unless you go to Whole Foods. I love Whole Foods but who can afford it! Also, at Whole Foods, all you have to do is wrinkle your brow and people are at your elbow to do your bidding. Maybe that’s why they are so expensive. They have to hire people to follow all the shoppers around in case they need assistance.

  11. Paula: Thanks man, I’m glad I can count on you for the alibi!

    DoD: Hm, yeah, that does sound like it would happen for me haha!

    Dingo: Ugh, yes, it’s beyond annoying. There is an Associated Market by me too (and lord knows that’s cheaper than the ‘Stede) but I can barely get through those aisles when it’s just me and my purse–I can’t imagine trying it when I had a basket or, even worse, a cart!

  12. Ok, though certainly no podunk town, I’ve got to say, “major metropolis” is a bit of a stretch, no? Suburb of a legitimate city sure, but I’m going to have to say that you’re overreaching a bit on metropolis.

    Not quite as bad as you, but my last grocery trip at Wegman’s was $32.65, plus the $4 New Jersey state exit tax. One bag of groceries, plus paper towels.

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