Enough is enough

For weeks–actually years– now something has been bothering me and I need to just get it out there.

I hate Spencer Pratt.

I hated him when he kicked Heidi out of the car and left her in the parking lot.  I hated him when he did whatever jackassy thing he did at the bar that caused LC to yell into the phone “like I had to PICK UP MY BEST FRIEND and CARRY her UP THE STAIRS!” (Okay, I only partially hated him for that b/c that LC line is the best!).

And now, with one week until this season’s finale, I have to come clean about this hatred.

Spencer and his (as Joel McHale calls it) “creepy flesh-colored beard” annoy the snot out of me.  EVERY week he’s yelling at Stephanie to have loyalty to her FAMILY.  She’s not loyal, she needs to be more loyal, loyal, loyal, loyal….  But yet, EVERY week, he’s telling Heidi that, rather than be LOYAL to her FAMILY, she be LOYAL to him!  She had to kick her sister out of the house b/c Holly’s being there meant Heidi wasn’t being LOYAL to Spencer.  And don’t get me started on the fact that Spencer made Heidi’s mother CRY–on national television.

Are you kidding me with that?  How many times can Spencer say “loyal” in one episode?  The boy overuses words like it’s his job (he’s the only person on earth who could somehow make the word “Nana” seem obscene and offensive) which it may actually be.  I’ve never seen that Spencer works.  I’ve never seen signs of him having any sense of employment.

Case in point?  He crashed Heidi’s Vegas business meeting (not just a baby-sized show-up-at-the-hotel-and-talk-to-her-at-the-end-of-the-night but a full-blown-pull-her-out-of-the-meeting-and-whine-at-her-sized crash).

I think that there is something seriously wrong with Spencer.  For those who didn’t watch last night’s episode, skip this bit.

In the episode, Spencer kidnapped took Heidi to Cabo (b/c apparently MTV owns stock in some Cabo resort–everyone from Laguna to The Hills has gone) with the intention of marrying her.  Not the big fancy wedding that she wanted but a crappy, sketchy, “romantic” wedding.  An “unplanned” wedding where they had to buy rings at the gift shop*.  (Remember this fact: it will be important later).  Then Spencer got Heidi so drunk of Patron that I’m willing to bet she barely knew her own name and convinced her to marry him in a speech that, as soon as I heard it, led me to believe that he will, at some point, murder her.  Just sayin’.

So they did it.  Without loyalty to family.  Without anyone but The Hills camera crew and a reporter from USWeekly.

For those who didn’t watch, it’s okay to pay attention again.

So like I said, I’m convinced that there is something wrong with Spencer.  It seems odd to me that we’re never introduced to Spencer’s parents.  His sister and Nana agreed to be associated with him.  But the parents didn’t.  We’ve seen Brody’s mom, Lauren’s parents, Heidi’s parents, Whitney’s parents and Audrina’s sister.  But Spencer’s rents?  Not once.

Are they super busy/rich?  I somehow don’t think that’s the case.  Remember that point* I told you to store away?  Pull it out now, you’ll need it.  Spencer is cheap.  He went to Mexico knowing that he wanted to get married but he didn’t think to bring rings.  He knew his ring size.  He knew Heidi’s–he’d bought her a ring before.  Even Justin Bobby managed to get a ring (next week’s previews).  But Spence just couldn’t make that happen.  And Heidi’s first ring?  I vaguely recall him asking Brody to spot him some cash during the drive to ICE Accessories.  I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to get an engagement ring at a store with the word Accessories in the name.  Just sayin’.

I have to say, I feel better now that I’ve come clean about that.  I know, I know–it’s just reality TV, it’s all scripted, everyone needs a villain.  I don’t care.  I litterally shudder when I see him on screen.  Rachel and I yell at the TV EVERY week as a result of Spencer.  Boo wishes death on him.  The boy makes my skin crawl.

Does this mean I put way too much stock into what I watch on TV?  Most likely.

But you know, I do feel better now that I’ve gotten all these anti-Spencer feelings out there.


22 thoughts on “Enough is enough

  1. You’re right. Spencer sucks. Every time he comes on screen I want to hurl something at him and his smug little face with that creepy mustache.

    He needs to be punished.
    Maybe we should make him, oh, I don’t know, actually WORK?

  2. thank you! I so agree…although, really, have you ever met anyone who likes him?

    also, love the soup! the creepy flesh colored beard bit makes me laugh every time…

  3. I don’t really know what any of this means because The Hills is terrible.

    And by terrible I mean that I’d surely become addicted if I gave it a chance and I really don’t want to.

  4. he is by far the creepiest dude out there… and i’m with you on the homicidal tendancies he can no longer keep under wraps
    i love the whole “just us!” speech… made me laugh out loud

  5. Dear Lauren:
    In recent weeks, as I’ve read more of your blog, I’ve felt we have an unspoken connection: A love for SBTB and reality TV, the same sense of humor, and a nice sense of perversion and sarcasm.
    Now, you’ve declared your hatred for Spencer.

    And I couldn’t agree more. That dude is Douche McDoucherton. In the limited time I’ve seen that show, I remember him calling Heidi out of meeting to complain about Tivo!!!!! WTH?

    So, in sum, I blog love you.

  6. Erica: 2 may have been 2 many. Yes, I numbered pun just then.

    girljordyn: I’ve had to be refrained from getting up and throttling the TV in the vain hope that the shaking would reach him.

    cassie: Joel McHale is a genius. What can I say?

    Ben: You mean you don’t want to have to plan your Monday nights around black mascara tears and boys with 2 first names?

    dmb5_libra: Ugh, I battle with “to watch or not to watch” every week b/c of him!

    NSJ: Any time someone says that they want to marry you b/c they are “obsessed” with you–not in love, obsessed–you should probably put down the tequila and walk (very quickly) away.

    Matt: What’s this “?” all about? Don’t try and tell me that you’ve NEVER seen The Hills.

    Andy: I’m glad to hear you say that. I often wonder, as I flip on SBTB, praying for the Jessie ODs on caffeine pills episode, whether or not I’ll open my Reader to find that you’ve referenced that same episode in your day’s post. Then, SBTB ref or not, I inevitably wonder if you may be the male blog me. Yours is, after all, one of of the blogs I crush on. So, not to sound obligatorially (I totally just made that up) reciprocal, I would like to state, for the record, that I blog love you back. ~Lauren

  7. I also have never actually watched The Hills (or Gossip Girl, for that matter) but I harbour a deep, dark hatred for Spencer Pratt that is rivalled only by my hatred for that guy who draws “The Family Circus”.

    Watch out, Bil Keane. Watch. Out.

  8. I can’t stand him either. He’s HORRENDOUS.

    I always wonder if he changed his surname by deed poll cos surely he can’t be a pratt who is CALLED “Pratt”. It’s just tooooooo perfect…

  9. I didn’t know any thing about him other than the creepy staged photo shoots of them and I still have a physical reaction when I see him. Like I’m about to throw up.

    He’s a total creeper.

  10. Boo: Not like that’d help much.

    Aine Caitriona: Those are 2 excellent people to clump together for hatred. Seriously.

    Matt: Just you wait until you find a girl who *just loooooooves* The Hills. Then you’ll understand.

    Paula: Hahahaha!

    J.: Aw, good to know!!

    Kyla: I have that same reaction!

    rs27: I totally do not judge you for that. It makes this blog post that much more topical for you.

    Heather: Wow…to think my recap of all things Hills is more interesting than the actual Hills…well, that may be true (ego aside people, ego aside).

  11. Kristen: Your life was probably better not knowing. Sorry about that.

    Narm: Now that is something I hadn’t considered before….

    alexa: That was the exact line that made me yell out “HE’S GONNA KILL HER!!!”

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