And the winner is…

…a TIE!  Between the only 2 guys who entered.  That’s right.  All of you slackers let me down.  But then, 2 of my favorite funny guys sent their stories my way and winners were born.  Er, uh, voted on.

Now, I’m not saying they both won because they were the only 2 who entered.  They both had very funny stories and each gave it that little something extra.

Our first winner is Matt.  His something extra?  He got 2 one-liners into 1 story!  Bonus points!!

Our second winner is Chris.  His something extra?  He actually came pretty close to the real context of the one-liner.  Bonus points again!!

On to the prizes!  Their first prize is getting their stories posted on this here lovely site.  The second prize, well, they shall have to be checking their mailboxes!

Today’s winning post is from Matt.  Enjoy!

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The Story behind the great Prison Riots in Alcatraz, May 1946.

Juan was due for parole in a couple weeks and he could not afford to screw that up. He had been sentenced for 2 years (over a slight misunderstanding of marijuana not being legal) but they decided to let him off early because of his good behavior and all the work he had put in inside the jail cafeteria. His specialty was roasted chicken. It was the most delicious chicken, even better than Boston Market’s version. Juan made this particular jail very famous for its little piece of roasted deliciousness. The guards would take the chicken home to feed it to their families.

His secret came from the apples he hid under his bed to ferment into alcohol. He would keep his apples from lunch, put them in a sack under his bed until the bag of apples turned into alcohol. It made his bed smell like he pissed on it everyday, but nobody else really seemed to mind so Juan kept doing it. Once the smell of piss went away, Juan knew the apples were now alcohol and ready to be infused into the chicken. He would do so by marinating the chickens in the alcohol overnight and then slow-roasting them all day long until dinner was served. He would usually have this once a month and they would allow him to cook extras so everyone could eat them the next day.

Everyone was jealous of Juan. Insanely jealous. He was pretty much the Britney Spears of the Joint and everywhere he went people just wanted to shake his hand and rape him in his congratulate him on his successful recipe. All the attention was on him. He was a total Diva.

So much attention was on him, in fact, the other caught on to his little recipe and started trying to immolate his success. It became somewhat of a competition…almost like the competition of homemade sex films. See it all started with Pam Anderson, and then before you know it, every Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian are making their own movie. Juan was pissed…before he knew it, there were no apples left for him.

“You apple hoarding bitches!,” Juan screamed into the cafeteria.

“G’head, roast your chicken and I hope you enjoy it.”

These words led to the biggest Prison fight ever known to mankind.

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10 thoughts on “And the winner is…

  1. Impressive story. Does this really work? I mean if I were to hide apples under by bed would they really turn into alcohol? Should I start now if I want to make this for Christmas?

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