All that glitters pretty much sucks

(Boo is posting today because I’m swamped at work and he’s just that sweet!  Plus, he’s got some anger issues regarding certain craft products that he needs to start working out….)

Alright, it’s time to pull this car over and talk about something a little more serious.   We have a growing epidemic in the world and it’s about time that someone put a stop to it.  I’m talking about glitter here people and I’m sick of it!

I know what you’re thinking: “How could a man possibly be upset about glitter? It makes us girls look so cute!” or “Dude no girl has worn glitter since like…9th grade, get over it!”  False!  Look, even my senior year in college, El Girlfriendo was finding glitter on me when I got home from work, so there is obviously a bigger problem here that we thought.

I guess that’s where this all starts.  Do you have any idea the questions I got coming home from Chili’s with glitter all over me?!  I’m not saying she was worried about my sexuality (of course a guy wearing glitter DOES cause some alarm) but perhaps wondering who I was gallivanting around at work.  The answer to that question is still: NO GIRL WEARS GLITTER IN COLLEGE.

That answer is of course a lie.  Every girl who has ever worn glitter at any point in their lives is still wearing it.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to get rid of glitter?! You can wipe it with your hand, or wash your face…IT’S STILL THERE!   All of the glitter on earth was made at the same time.  Then someone decided that it was awesome to put it IN EVERYTHING.

Great craft idea? Elmer’s glue and put a little glitter on it! Then they had the glitter pens, and then they started making make-up with glitter to make girls shimmer.  Look…girls already shimmer, it’s called sweat and that is ALL. THEY. NEED!

Guys, you remember coming home in high school from your first date.  You said you went to dinner and then to a movie. Then your brother asked you why you had glitter all over you.  Yeah…you were busted.  I like to call this the “Mark of the Chick”.

It doesn’t stop in high school though.  I headed back to Penn State last year and took some of my friends to a football game.  The highlight of course was going out the night before, showing off all that State College has to offer.  We decided to stop by the local grocery (McLanahan’s to those in the know) to pick up the evening essentials; some of us needed cash, the roommate’s friend needed smokes.  As I stood there in line I looked at the cashier and knew instantly that I hated her.  I couldn’t find any reason to hate her; in fact it was the first time without knowing someone or even talking to them that I instantly hated them.  Then it hit me….  The previous fall a friend from work had a Halloween party.  I went as Quailman, underwear and all.

(Yeah, the 80’s camp counselor is Lauren)

This girl was at that party and she was in costume.  She had ears on and was wearing all black and a tail.  Apparently I was angry that night, for whatever reason, and asked her what she was in a snarky tone: “Let me guess…you’re a ‘Sexy Cat’.”  I thought it was a fair guess.

She proceeded to empty something into her hand and said “NOPE! *poof* I’m a rat! Now you have the plague!!! Hehehe!”

Yeah…SHE BLEW GLITTER IN MY EYES!!!!  I screamed and I’m pretty sure that I cursed.  A LOT.

She had already run away…and lucky that she did because I would have killed her if my friend hadn’t taken me upstairs.  I tried as hard as I could to get the glitter out of my eyes, and let me tell you. THAT BURNS.

So there you go folks.  A public service announcement that glitter NEEDS TO GO, or at least shouldn’t be used as warfare.  Now if you’ll excuse me I have glitter to wash off my face…I have no idea how it got there.


10 thoughts on “All that glitters pretty much sucks

  1. I’m gonna be a dork and comment right after I post this but….

    I totally agree!! There is still glitter on my couch from JUNIOR PROM! (Tell Brendan I’m sorry about that….) That was like…6 years ago!

  2. Ah-Fucking-Men.

    Can I say fucking on this blog? If not, I’m sorry- it’s just this post deserves a good curse word. Anywhoo…

    Well done sir.

  3. Glitter reminds me of HS dances. You’re right – teenage girls are obsessed with that stuff. We’d put it in our hair and it was in our lotion and makeup. My mom should have stepped in and slapped some sense into me!

  4. Stealth: Thanks Hunny! I’ll let him know…

    Matt: Thanks man, I’d say the cursing is appropriate, but hey…it’s not my blog!

    Megkathleen: I’m sure you grew out if it right? Isn’t that all that matters? Seriously though…if you didn’t…you should probably stop.

    Apollo: What do you want to know? You remember the Doug cartoon? It was his superhero alter-ego! And he wore underwear over his shorts, and a belt on his head.

  5. @Matt: Yeah, Skeeter was blue. Roger was green. Doug and Skeeter liked the band, The Beets, whose big hits were “We need more allowance” and ” Killer Tofu.”

    Did I watch too much TV as a kid? Probably?

    Also, throwing it out there that 2 years prior to this pic my friend and I were Quailman/Quaildog for Halloween. Just saying.

  6. hahaha glitter is a bitch ain’t it? Apparently it was invented so that girls know when their men have been at strip clubs (ok so I made that up).

  7. Glitter is from the same family of indelibles as a Dunkin Donut (jelly). Doesn’t matter how many napkins you use, the only way to get the sugar off is to wipe your hands on your jeans.

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