No Losers Allowed

When Lauren first asked me to guest post for her I was quite excited and immediately thought, What the hell am I going to write about. At first I thought I would write about weddings – I thought it would be apropos since she is going to a wedding. My first idea was a virtual tour of all my bridesmaid dresses – wouldn’t that be fun and exciting?! Then I remembered that I don’t in fact have pictures of all of them…and for good reason. Truthfully, a post that was along the lines of, “And then I wore a pink dress that was two sizes too big and then I wore an orange chiffon dress that I later puked on after a not very well thought-out decision to have a drinking contest with the groomsmen,” would only be good if you were looking for reading material to put you to sleep. My second post idea was to give you a rundown of what exactly I want my wedding to be like, but I didn’t really feel like giving my boyfriend a heart attack. Suffice to say I was a little bit stuck as to how to entertain Lauren’s readers, but then I ran across this article (http://www.chicagotribune.com/travel/chi-micronation-0703jul03,0,3641303.story) about people who create their own micronations and I think it is safe to say that I was inspired. Here’s a little excerpt for you regarding the featured micronation:

“The young country-builder grew up, got married and had two children. In 1998, the family moved to Dayton, Nev., where Baugh decided to bring Molossia to life. He raised a flag, erected signs, created a Web site, wrote an anthem, produced honorary passports and-like any good despot-began printing money (bearing his image, of course).”

I’ve been thinking I like, scratch that, LOVE the idea of having my own country because I am an egotistical maniac. I plan on starting my own country where I am the president and one of the first rules will be that I am GOD and must, therefore, be worshiped and people have to do whatever I order them to or risk being stoned. Actually, stoning people could be difficult because I don’t really want to cause any damage to country property so maybe people who break the law by not listening to me will just be suffocated in their sleep.

First things first, I need a name for my new country. This I think is the hardest part because I don’t want people to be immediately turned off to my land because it has a lame name – that would be disastrous. At the moment I’m thinking it will be called it N.L.O., which stands for No Losers Allowed. I am not completely sold on it so if you have a better suggestion please let me know and if I deem it good enough you can be my vice president, which is pretty much as cool as being Jesus Christ. Well, maybe not that cool, more like Moses. Still cool though!

Second, I need to set the borders. I am pretty sure Chuckles will not want the whole house to be turned into Megan’s country. Something about being a patriotic American and he’s the one who pays the mortgage? I don’t get it. But I think I can claim about three rooms for myself and maybe the kitchen. Now I just need a flag, money, and an anthem. The one thing I am certain about is the anthem, which will be “Money” by the Flying Lizards. In case you’re not familiar with Eighties music (in which case you’re not allowed to be a citizen of N.L.O. because that can only mean you’re a loser) here is a verse from the song:

Money don’t get everything it’s true
But what it don’t get I can’t use
I want money

That’s all I’ve got so far. I’ll be thinking about it though because Molossia is considered the most delightful micronation and I would like to steal that title for myself. It seems to me that all Molossia’s got going for it is a stoopid model train and I know I can do better than that. At least a margarita keg would beat a model train. That’s what I’ll start with. Margarita Kegs. Now if I could just get my hands on a dancing monkey I would have the BEST MICRONATION EVER.

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10 thoughts on “No Losers Allowed

  1. you should either change it to NLA or No Losers Ollowed. uh oh, that just got me banned from ever going to NLO didn’t it? oh well.

    i think your money should be something fun, not paper money, that’s cliched. shiny stones? bean? cds?

  2. Notsojenny – Good point. I’m not sure why I thought the acronym NLO made any sense. You can come to NLA as long as you don’t point and laugh at my stupidity. Maybe I’ll have bottles of wine for currency.

    Matt – Of course!! The only requirement to be a rockstar is a bribe of some sort. We can work out the details later.

  3. How about Megalopolis, San Mego, or Las Megas?

    I think those little airline sized bottles of booze should be the currency. Or maybe they could just be change for larger sized bottles of booze and wine. Am I wrong or is your picture already on all the labels?

  4. Megalopolis it is. I love it. And All sorts of bottles of booze will be considered currency. To gain entrance I require a bottle of red wine and rum.

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