Ok, so everyone just…relax. I don’t want anyone to get upset here but let’s face it, Lauren’s got a job now and I know you guys are bored. But before I entertain you, I suppose I should start off with an introduction.
To the long time readers of the blog, I am Boo. Yes, that’s right, it’s Boo and I’m posting since Lauren’s busy and I have a whole lot to say about Connecticut and none of it is all that pleasant.
Let’s take it back to my drive home yesterday when my roommate and I were on the road. We car pool any chance we get, but today was a particularly uneasy commute. The kids are out of school for the week so driving is more like a race to get home to make sure the kids aren’t knocked up, rather than get the kids home and feed them.
I finally said: “I call it now, there WILL be an accident today.” This was the result of constant stop-and-go-traffic and a Ford Explorer that was making apparent evasive maneuvers ahead of us. For anyone who doesn’t know, Connecticutians (seriously, you try and come up with a better way to recognize them) can’t drive.
I assume it starts when they go to the DMV at the age of 16. I can only imagine they lay their $60 down on the counter, they get their picture taken, and that’s it.
“Don’t I have to take a test or something?” they ask?
“Aw no, you’ll figure it out!” state the disgruntled DMV employee.
There are many potential battles in the Hartford metro area, but none are as grueling as the simple commute to and from work. I’ve seen a lot of things, and well, I’ve seen a NASCAR race or two in my day, and the two are very much alike. Let’s go through a few of the basics of driving in Connecticut, shall we? Too bad, you’ve read too far to turn around now anyway.
The CT DOT has devised a wonderful 3-lane system of highways to alleviate the traffic concerns in the state. They even put signs up designating what the lanes are used for: passing lane on the left, driving lane in the middle, slow traffic on the right. Easy enough right? WRONG. You see, every lane in Connecticut is the passing lane! This leads to improper lane usage..blah blah blah…in essence, chaos. All traffic. All the time.
Who here has ever merged onto a highway before? I’m guessing that’s pretty much everyone, yeah? Well, in Connecticut people use the on-ramp for, well it can’t be for driving. When you merge onto a highway where most of the cars are going anywhere from 65-80, 45 miles an hour just isn’t going to cut it. So what happens? You guessed it, a line of cars waiting to merge onto the highway. Since a ton of people are merging this greatly defeats the 3-lane system and thus more havoc ensues. Also there is a lovely merge from 91-S to 95 where all 4 lanes, go to two lanes. Bottleneck you say? Not finished yet. That same two lanes then turns into 1 lane. Yes 1 lane for all of Connecticut apparently to gain access to one of the main extensions to New York. Don’t understand how this works? I’ve allotted the following illustration:
I could write a book on Connecticutians’…dare I say, shenanigans? But the last one here is really quite simple. It never precipitates here. What’s that? Fine, yes! I know, OF COURSE it rains and snows in Connecticut, but these people act like it’s a sign of the end times every time a little bit of water graces the pavement. If it’s raining there are at least 3 accidents on the way both to and from work. And when it snows, well, you can just expect your 15 minute commute to be about an hour and a half.
So that’s Connecticut driving in a nutshell. Occasionally people from New Jersey wander in and are quickly shown who the Boss is–and it’s not Springsteen. Connecticut drivers are not to be confused with Massachusetts drivers, or “MassHoles” which aren’t really bad drivers, just really fast and really scary. I’ve heard Rhode Island has by far the worst drivers, but to be honest, they are slow just like PA drivers are and though I’m no Skip Barber myself, I know where my turn signals are. Case in point, if you come to Connecticut be wary of these folk. Driving in Connecticut: they’re doin’ it wrong.