An analysis of America’s Next Top Model based on careful consideration after days of ANTM marathons, OR, “I hate that show–what time’s it on?”

In the past 11 days, I have seen at least 5 Top Model marathons. While trying to get my numbers straight for your benefit, I headed to imdb.com to check listings and saw that another 5 marathons have been planned for the next week and a half. Despite the fact that I have seen each season they plan to air at least 7 times, I will continue to watch. I don’t know how better to explain this oddity than to quote Penn State’s THON 2008 Line Dance: I hate that show–what time’s it on?

PSU hit the nail on the head with that one. There is some unexplainable allure to ANTM marathons that makes them unavoidable once you know they are on. But something has happened through this repeated viewing–I’ve begun to analyze the show more than any normal person really should. And I’ve decided to share a few of my observations with you.

Nudity

There will always be nudity on Top Model and yet, every season, there is a girl who is uncomfortable with nudity. There is a girl who frets about dropping trow because of the backlash when she returns home. And I get that. If the first thing I did on national television was to git nekked, I would definitely hear about it from the ‘rents when I got home. But if you are going on Top Model, you should have seen the prior cycles and known that EVERY SINGLE CYCLE features nudity. Don’t audition if you don’t want to show the goods.

Makeovers

You know damn well when you audition for Top Model, that if you make the cut and you have a weird affection for your hair, they’re going to cut it as short as possible. This, too, happens EVERY SINGLE CYCLE! And there is always someone crying about their hair cut. And they will always sit that girl near the girl who is “like, absolutely in love” with their new ‘do. Here’s a great tip for ANTM hopefuls: Don’t say in your audition tape that you are willing to cut, dye, extend or otherwise alter your hair if you are then going to cry hysterically when the world-famous, professional hair stylist gives you a makeover.

Panel

All of the girls on this show are about 9 feet taller than I’ll ever hope to be and they weigh what I do. Translation: they are twigs. So why is it that EVERY SINGLE CYCLE they add belts and wraps and other crap to make them look, to quote Ms. Banks, “dumpy”? And EVERY SINGLE CYCLE Tyra tells the girls that they should know better because “this is cycle x of Top Model.” I mean hell, at this point, even I know how to dress for panel. Skinny jeans-check. Heels I will undoubtedly break my neck in-check. Black/white/grey basic tank top-check. Hair styled however it was when I left my makeover with the world-famous professional stylist-check. And if I really want to play it safe, wear whatever ANTM shirt I’ve been provided with. This isn’t that hard, girls. But EVERY SINGLE CYCLE girls come to panel with scarves on their heads and earrings that hang to their shoulders and their hair is always styled a bit too “mall” for Tyra.

Heights

This observation is unique in that it is an observation that I have made about the Real World/Road Rules challenges as well. Expect that you will have to do at least one photo shoot on the top of a building or attached to a harness of some sort. It happens EVERY SINGLE CYCLE! (It also happens EVERY SINGLE CHALLENGE–I’m talking to you, Casey.) But there is always one girl who is freaked out about the heights or who complains that the harness is digging into her stomach. Well, perhaps if you ate a burger once in awhile, you’d have a little cushioning. This just seems like your own fault.

Bitchiness

This is an entire show about divas. A house of girls will always result in some cat fights. And yet, EVERY SINGLE CYCLE, there is some girl who takes offense to the bitchy girl in the house. (This too reminds me of the challenges and The Real World proper. Hm….) There is always a massive blowup over some offense (real or imaginary) and then one girl winds up crying on the phone to her family about how “these girls are just so mean!” What did you possibly expect? Seriously?

At this point, I think I’ve clearly shown that I have either way too much time on my hands or way too strong an affection for ANTM. Either way, there is a marathon on somewhere and I’ll be damned if I miss it. Even though I hate that show.

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One thought on “An analysis of America’s Next Top Model based on careful consideration after days of ANTM marathons, OR, “I hate that show–what time’s it on?”

  1. This is exactly why I stopped my ANTM addiction. It’s the same thing over and over and over again.

    Also, I used to think Tyra was incredibly hot, and from watching this show, now I think that she has Mental Problems.

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