Adventures in air travel (part trois) and other signs that airport P.D.A. is a growing epidemic of grossness

It’s been awhile since I’ve flown. It’s been even longer since I’ve flown the CT-Pitt flight of summer. I’ve just recently returned from a stint at the homestead and suburbia is cheaper to get to via CT than NYC so I found myself in a familiar flight pattern.

The flights out were mostly uneventful. Less-than-full planes = aisles and windows only = me not having to sit next to people. Nice. Always a plus. The only weird sighting was a couple of indiscriminate relation (who happened to be traveling with a luggage abandoner which was a bit unnerving, to say the least). This creeper couple first caught my attention when Creepy Guy handed a bottle of water to Creepy Girl. Then he whispered something in her ear and she got very giddy and blushed a red to rival her hair. I wouldn’t have had a problem with this if I thought they were dating or married. But since they looked nearly identical, I was a bit befuddled. Did you two choose to marry people who looked like they were related to you? Worse, did you marry people who actually were related to you? Or worse still–are you NOT dating but ARE related and STILL flirting with each other? Are you a mother/son pair. Are you charming nephew with older aunt? Are you brother and sister? I can’t tell and I’m a little grossed out.

But that was it. And I guess these are the benefits of flying on a Tuesday. Fairly uneventful. Flying late-night on a Sunday, however, is a much different story. Everyone is scrambling to get the most out of their weekends and therefore all taking the last possible flight to get home.

God bless Southwest for restructuring their boarding procedures. I got to the gate for the Pittsburgh-Baltimore leg of my flight. The gate was so crowded (a full hour before flight time) that I had no choice but to sit on the floor. Ew. It was finally time to board and I took my position in line. The next thing I know, I hear yelling and a fist swings by my face. EXCUSE ME?! What could possibly be happening that this stupid old man near me felt compelled to nearly sock my jaw? Oh, that’s right. A basketball game. Upset about a missed shot, the old man nearly took his rage out on my face. Okay dude, really not cool, but if you behave yourself for the rest of your time in line, I won’t have to tell TSA on you.

Well of course I’m not lucky enough to stand near people who have an idea of how to behave in public. Sir Slugs-A-Lot started talking to his wife. No issue yet–you guys are married, I won’t insist on your being silent while traveling. Then I hear this:

Sir Slugs: You know why I wear my hat like this?

Madame Slugs: To hide your gray hair (chuckles at her own “humor”).

Sir: No, so I can kiss you better.

*insert sloppy kissing noises*

Oh no, Captain Punchy–this I cannot allow. This was not a young couple. This was a gross, old couple. And these were not proper public kisses. These were those long loud *MUAH* kisses. I tried my hardest but couldn’t stop myself from literally gagging. I tried to stifle the noise but it was to no avail. Seriously people, I just heard you say you’d be home in an hour. Can’t you control yourselves until then? Nasty.

I managed, thankfully, to avoid the smoochy couple on the flight. Despite the filled-to-capacity plane, there were still plenty of seats available for those in the A 1-30 line. I arrived in Baltimore with a sore throat and an hour to kill. When I finally got into my spot in the boarding line I unfortunately managed to attract the attention of the drunk guy behind me. Knowing that I didn’t want to risk sitting near him on the plane I grabbed the first aisle seat with window and middle filled that I could find.

I wound up sitting next to an older guy and a girl of indiscriminate age. They had some relation because she was showing off some photos on her computer. I kept hearing things from the guy like “Ooh, better hide that one before interviews” and things like that. That’s a little awkward, but okay, I’ll let it slide. Time to turn the electronics off and the girl has lost her entertainment. No worries, her male companion can fill the void. All of a sudden I see that the girl has thrown her legs onto this guy’s lap. Okay, ew. I don’t particularly want to be a part of what seems like a connection that will result in new members of the mile-high club.

But wait–they’re still talking. And the guy just said something about getting to UConn early enough to check the campus out on their own before taking the real tour…and then it clicks. And I realize–these two are not dating. They are FATHER AND DAUGHTER! Okay, I’m not sure what family setup finds throwing your legs suggestively over Daddy’s lap acceptable but if that is (grossly I might say) the case, then that is something that should be kept at home.

This is now the third fairly incestuous (or at least disgusting) couple I’ve encountered either going to or coming from Baltimore. What the hell is in the water over there that has trained these people to think that airport P.D.A. is not only acceptable but encouraged–no matter the nauseated feeling it leaves everyone else at the airport with? I’m not entirely sure but all I know is that I plan to be extremely careful from now on when purchasing snacks during my Baltimore layover.

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