Goodbye until next year, filet-o-fish commercial

I’m actually kind of sad that Easter is on Sunday and I’ll tell you why: for the past 40ish days I have been immensely enjoying the McDonald’s filet-o-fish commercial.  It’s literally one of my favorite commercials and I’ve been walking around for like a month singing “give me back that filet-o-fish, give me that fish! Ooooh! Give me back that filet-o-fish, give me that fish! What if it was you, hanging up on that wall?  If it was you in that sandwich, you wouldn’t be laughing at all!”

And yes, I do know all the words to the song.  And no, I have no shame having that song stuck in my head.  Nor do I have any shame about singing it out loud.

So here you go, one last hit until next year:

(and yes, I know this is last year’s commercial, but it’s the original and what is better than that?!)

;)

I can’t wink.

Is that normal?

I mean, yes, I can do the physical action of shutting one eye and keeping the other open, but I can’t really wink.

Some people look so cool when they wink.  Some people can pull out one of those reassuring winks whenever they want.  Or a secretive wink.  Or a conspiratorial wink.  And they do it effortlessly.

But when I wink?

I look weird.  My face is kind of scrunchy and my “wink” doesn’t quite have the proper effect.

I feel like I’m missing out on some really cool skill set.  This is how I felt before I could do fish lips or raise only one eyebrow and I’ve mastered those now.  But a wink is more than just making the muscles do what I want.  It’s mastering the cool.

I think I’m too much of a goof to make the wink work for me.

I’ll have to just stick to reassuring fish lips.

Those reassure people, right?

Well geeze, this is embarrassing

I have nothing to write about today.

Well, that’s not entirely true.  There are additional parking lot shenanigans that I could write about.  There is also the fact that it is raining and that it is going to snow again and that I will LOSE MY MIND if it snows because Boo and I are leaving for a cruise on Sunday.

But, wow, it would be really terrible if I wrote another post about my parking lot or about the weather.  I mean, it’s bad enough that I’ve become a curmudgeony elderly person in real life, but to do it on this here blog?  I just couldn’t live with myself if that happened.

So I’m wondering…is it just me?  I mean, am I the only person who feels compelled day after day to write about their parking lot?  Am I the only person who watches their parking lot hi jinks intently enough that they could in fact write about them on a daily basis?

Did any of the rest of you know that there are actually four ways to spell hi jinks?  (Hi jinx, high jinx, hi jinks, high jinks, for the record).

Oh geeze.  I mean, I know I joked about being one of those losers who stares outside their front window and yells at the kids to stay off their lawn, but now I’m really concerned that I actually may be transforming into said loser more quickly than I thought.

Help me.

There IS such a thing as parking lot etiquette

Parking lot etiquette exists.  Unfortunately, no one has told my neighbors that.  I am inclined to cut them the teeny tiniest bit of slack ever because it has never snowed like this in Philly.  But I am only just barely inclined.  And here’s why:

We have some of the rudest people ever co-parking with us in this lot.  (Like I haven’t mentioned this enough recently).

The most frustrating thing about the snow is that not everyone takes the time to properly shovel out their car.  They assume that because we live in a complex that has a cleaning crew, someone will come and shovel them out.  This isn’t entirely true.  Yes, the guys come by with the snow blower, but they can’t shovel every single resident out of their parking spots.  Especially because most people don’t know how to park so they end up just inches away from other cars.

The first person to really screw the parking lot for the rest of us was the Mommy Volvo.  During part 2 of the blizzard last week, MV brushed off part of her SUV, enough to see, I’m assuming, and left everything else.  Then, to ensure that she’d be able to pull out of her parking spot, she pulled in and out of the spot to harden the snow.

Are you kidding me?!

Harden snow, if you’ve never encountered such a thing before, turns into ice.  Now maybe she thought that this would be  a sure fire way to ensure that no one would take her spot but there is no such guarantee, especially in the aftermath of snow.  As it turned out, a Honda beat her back to the parking lot.  And the poor guy ended up parked over 2 inches of ice.  At least.  The ice was so thick I could see it from my apartment.

And the Volvo?  Oh she pulled into Boo’s perfectly clean spot.  The one he and I spent 2 hours digging out.  The one SHE SAW US SPEND 2 HOURS DIGGING OUT.  She of course pulled right in.

And then there was the bizarre Saab convertible.  The Saab showed up at the end of the first snow storm.  There was a very bizarre musical chairs situation happening in the parking lot.  A Lexus SUV was in the spot next to me until the Saab pulled up, got out of the car and started pointing to that spot.  And stayed there until the Lexus pulled out of the spot and the Saab pulled in.

What the what?!

Anyway, the Saab stayed there all throughout the second round of the blizzard.  And never ONCE brushed off the car.  Did I mention that it was a convertible?  Yeah, I can’t imagine that’s good for the car.

Let me pause here to show you the picture I’ve just painted:

Yup, you can see where the Volvo was and where the Saab is.  And also, White Mustang Guy (but he’s been surprisingly well behaved lately!).

So the Saab has been in that same spot, with 18+ inches of snow on the car, since last Wednesday.  A full week.  Not once during that week did they brush off the car, including during yesterday’s snow fall.

And then today, I woke up and what did I see?

Yup.  Pulled right out of the spot.  Threw all the snow from THEIR car next to MY car.

I’m so over it.  It’s unbelievable to me how inconsiderate some people can be.  The drivers of the Volvo and the Saab would be the type of people who would throw massive hissyfits if they pulled into the parking lot and the only spots available were filled with someone else’s snow! GASP!  And ice?!  Heaven forbid Mommy Dearest has to force her children to walk on ice.

Wait, what’s that?  You think it’s just so rude that someone left all that snow there?  You don’t say!

In conclusion?  I’m starting to think that shelling out the $80 a month for a parking spot is worth it.  If for no reason other than to stop myself from going insane watching this ridiculous week after week.

Pop some popcorn, open the blinds and set up shop. This parking lot is free entertainment!

Unless you are living under a rock, you know that the northeast got hit with some snow this weekend.  A LOT of snow.  FEET of snow in fact.  And while this amount of snow is known to lead to entertainment in NYC, it didn’t do too poorly outside Philly either.

I live in an apartment complex with a first-come first-park policy.  No saved spots, no designations, no garages (at least not for free).  This, as I’m sure you can imagine, leads to some interesting viewing during the snow.  My apartment setup conveniently allows for easy viewing of the chaos.  My couch faces my balcony which faces the parking lot.  Now, because I am a very interesting person, I can tell you that I spent hours and hours this weekend watching the action (and in all fairness, I keep the blinds open most days anyway–I like to keep an eye on Conan and watch what goes on in our parking lot.  I’m so super cool and not at all closing in on the years when I sit on my porch and yell at those darn kids to stay off of my lawn).

So the first thing that I noticed about the impending storm was that we suddenly had a lot more traffic in our lot.  A Land Rover that neither Boo or I have ever seen before set up camp on Thursday night.  And they managed to park in ONE of TWO branch-less spots.  The great thing about my apartment is that there are trees all around it.  I love seeing trees.  They don’t have a lot of those in NYC and what trees they DO have are basically sequestered into parks and parks alone.  The bad thing about these trees is that the branches hang over the parking spots.  Sap in the fall, bird poop from the occasional little birdy who stops by and perches up there, those elements are annoying, yes, but not lethal.  Snow, however, makes things a little more risky.  Snow weighs down branches which, under enough weight, snap and land right on poor little Conan’s head.  This hasn’t happened yet and it’s something I work to avoid so I do whatever I can to get the branch-less spots.  These stupid parking lot invaders make this task a little more difficult.

And then there’s the weird driving habits.  All this weekend people were driving around down below.  And not ONE OF THEM WAS DRIVING FORWARD!  Every single person went through this parking lot in reverse.  They backed into the parking lot and they backed out the parking lot.  What’s with all the reversing here, huh?  Is this a snow driving technique that they only teach in Eastern PA?  I’d love to delve further into the potential scientific benefits of only driving in reverse but…well…I don’t really think there are any.  Mainly due to the fact that Boo got backed into at a stop sign on Monday.  Most people don’t even STOP at stop signs and yet Boo gets slammed in the front!  Maybe we should focus on driving forward from now on, yes?

But the biggest reason to keep the blinds open, scouting out the parking lot, are the other inhabitants of said lot.  Ignoring the invaders, there are some regulars who pose a little threat to our cars.  First, there is White Mustang Guy.  I HATE White Mustang Guy.  For about 5 weeks, WMG parked next to me or Boo every single chance he got.  I wouldn’t care so much about this except that White Mustang Guy is a Manhattan export with attitude to boot and every time he parks he flings his door open all willy-nilly and it  flys right into MY car!  My passenger side (since I used to nab the corner spot to save at least one side of my car from just this type of thing) is just “ding ding ding ding ding” all down the side.

And as if White Mustang Guy isn’t enough of a hazard we have the little French kids to deal with.  The kids in this complex are a little weird as it is; they run around here alone, at weird times of the day, never an adult in site.  It’s all very strange.  But the little French kids are the strangest of the strange.  They play in the parking lot.  With the parking lot.  The cars are their hiding places, their “base”, their jungle gym.  So on Saturday afternoon when I saw a head pop up over the hill, I jumped up to get a closer look.  And sure enough, it was le petit garcon Francais, sliding down the hill annnnnd blam.  Landing on the hood of my car.  AWESOME.  After he landed he took of the liberty of brushing the snow off of my hood.  With his scratchy little kid gloves.  And then he moved onto Boo’s car.  Zut.  That was enough for me.  Boo has already had his mirror broken (and Boo is a car guy so he knows that it wasn’t broken by a car but by a person–either a bump at the train station or un petit set of hands) and I didn’t feel like adding any more damage.  So I got up and asked him if he wouldn’t mind not playing near our cars.  He obliged and scampered off.  Until Boo went out to shovel.  He had dug out his own car and was working on Conan when the little French kid popped back up over the hill.  And he skidded down towards our cars again, kicking back all of the snow that Boo had shoveled away.  ZUT!

And so that’s why the blinds will remain open tomorrow.

Oh, and are you wondering about the Land Rover?  Well, it sat, covered in snow, under NO branches until early Sunday morning.  And then it backed out without shoveling anything.  The owners didn’t clear off the car, shovel away any of the snow, nothing.  It left as mysteriously as it had arrived and it hasn’t been back since.  Although with snow on the way tonight, I’m sure we’ll be seeing it soon enough.

Punxsutawney Phil should probably just retire

Yesterday was Groundhog’s Day.  And did that stupid little rodent see his shadow?  Of course he did.  Does that mean more winter weather?  Of course it does.

But here’s the thing–even if he hadn’t seen his shadow, we’d probably end up with six more weeks of winter.  Six weeks from now is March and March is not a warm month! People always seem to forget this and assume that spring is warm and fall is cool and then they get all annoyed in early June when it’s still only 60 out.

So I’m wondering why he still has a job.  Oh, right, I forgot, it’s tradition.  Blah blah blah.  I’m not so sure that tradition matters to P.E.T.A., who is constantly trying to free P. Phil.  (But you never hear them saying ANYTHING about the Easter Bunny, do you?)

But I say that this tradition is just a let down.  It’s a disappointment AND A LIE!  Because poor Phil never has a chance to NOT see his shadow.  Have you ever seen pictures from Gobbler’s Knob?  There are so many paparazzo there you’d think that Lady Gaga just announced she was marrying Robert Pattinson and they were going to have Madonna officiate the ceremony (with Angelina Jolie and Brad Pit as matron of honor and best man, respectively).  How the hell could poor old Phil NOT see a shadow with that many lights?  You’ve got video flashes, digital camera flashes, point and shoot flashes, CELL PHONE FLASHES!  He has absolutely no chance.

So I think he should probably retire.  He could move somewhere like Iceland, where they’ve only got like 3 weeks of sunlight anyway (what, did none of you see Insomnia?  Yeah, I don’t blame you, the US version was just trash.)  Or maybe he likes seeing his shadow all the time.  Maybe he digs the celebrity.  And if that’s the case, he could probably set up camp on a private island in the Caribbean somewhere, right?  I mean, he’s gotta be making bank for all the press he gets.

Neener neener neener

So remember how I told you all to not over-do it this year with the resolutions?  Do you remember that?

Well I would to just let you all know that I accomplished all of my resolutions as of Sunday.

Sunday, January 31.

That’s right my friends.  I started shopping at Whole Foods (I’ve been twice) and I learned to make a soup.

I didn’t just learn to make a soup either, I learned to make a soup so well that I was able to tell someone else how to make it.

But in all fairness, it only has 5 ingredients.

On last Friday’s show, my favorite lady, Rachael Ray, made this 5 ingredient tortellini soup.  And I have to tell you, it is AMAZING.

HOW DELICIOUS DOES THAT LOOK!?

Okay, this soup…people…it is SO easy to make.  You buy a can of chicken broth.  You buy some tortellini.  You buy some spinach.  You buy a lemon and some Parmesan cheese.  Boil the broth.  Cook the tortellini.  When the tortellini is almost done, put the spinach in.  By the time the pasta is done, the spinach will have cooked down enough.  Then you ladle it, put a little lemon zest on top and some Parmesan and DONE!

HOW EASY IS THAT!?

And seriously…so so delicious.

And do you want to know what makes it even more delicious?  Knowing that learning how to make this soup means that I knocked out both of my New Year’s resolutions by January.

Neener neener.

Neener.

So what do I do with that last little bit?

I like to have bar soap in my shower.  Generally speaking I’m a body wash/loofa kind of girl but I like to have the bar soap in there too.  I actually use it, it’s not just in there because I’m a weirdo or anything.  I mean, I am kind of weird but that isn’t why I have the soap.

Anyway, I always run into the same problem with the bar soap.  The problem is, what the heck am I supposed to do with that last little bit of soap?

(totally sick illustrations, right?  I know.  Me and Paint can rock the house.  Okay, sorry, I’m done now)

I mean, yes, technically it is small enough that I could throw it away but I’d still feel bad for wasting soap.  If I had a proper soap dish in my shower, it would be one thing.  Okay, fine, yes, I do HAVE one but I never use it, I just use my shower caddy, you know, the kind with the iron racks that can hold a full bar of soap with no problem but can’t seem to contain the little guy.  Anyway, if I USED a proper soap dish, it would be no problem to use this soap until there was just absolutely nothing left of it.  But since I don’t use the proper soap dish and instead use the caddy, then that stupid little  piece of soap slips and falls and if I’m not paying attention will slide right down the drain while I’m rinsing the shampoo out of my eyes and thinking “well, I may have just sudsed my eyes, but at least the soap is back where it belongs.” (Note: I don’t actually think about my soap placement in the shower.  I think about more important stuff.  Like what I’m having for lunch.  Or trying to remember all of the words to the “Schools on Demand” song in the commercial, which by the way, is the most annoying song ever).

But I guess the point in this post (since when I do I feel like I need to have a point?) is this:

What do I DO with that last little bit?

My “doesn’t live in NYC and shop at overpriced Gristede’s or Duane Reade anymore” side says just toss it.  My “time to be a responsible housewife who isn’t wasteful and keeps track of what we’re spending” side says I absolutely MUST use that little piece of soap.

But don’t be surprised if it “accidentally” slides down the drain while I’m rinsing the shampoo out of my eyes.

la

la

Editor’s note: While typing this, I wrote “saop” the first time around 9 times out of 10.  For whatever reason, “soap” is awkward to type.  It’s like your fingers just don’t want to do it.  Or there’s some weird disconnect with the brain.  Seriously.  Try typing it if you don’t believe me.*

la

*I just asked for any comments on this post to be the word “soap,” didn’t I?  Aw nuts.

Don’t set yourself up for failure

We are 4 days into the new year.  Normally by this point most people would have given up on their New Year’s resolutions but since New Year’s was a Thursday/Friday deal this year, most people are waiting until today to start working on their resolutions (Monday’s just make more sense, don’t they?)

Personally, I’ve never been big on resolving to do things.  It’s always very daunting.  What happens when, 4 days in, you forget to do the thing you resolved to do?  It’s SUCH a bummer.  And who wants to start their new year off being bummed?  Not this girl.  I thought it would be fun to take one picture every day for the first year I was married.  The honeymoon was easy, pictures at the pool, at the beach, etc.  And then we got home.  And Boo went out of town on business.  And I forgot.  And there went that plan.  And I was bummed.

Typically people over-extend themselves.  Go to the gym everyday.  Why would you pick something like that?  One afternoon with cramps and you can bet I’ll be curled up in the fetal position wearing sweatpants and being glad that I’m not at the gym.  Eat less junk food.  Spend less money.  Well great, these are all things we SHOULD be trying to do but let’s face it, eat less junk food ain’t gonna happen when you still have 3 dozen Christmas cookies leftover.

So here’s what I do for my resolutions.  I pick something manageable.  Last year my resolution was learn to make soup and I achieved that in February when I learned how to make chili.  How can you go wrong with a resolution that can be fulfilled in two month’s time?  I realize that most people don’t think this is the point of the resolution; they would argue that the goal is to better one’s self.  But how much better about yourself will you feel when you’ve failed at your goal?  When after just 3 weeks your tennis shoes get shoved to the back of the closet, not to be seen again until you do the wardrobe switch in May?  You are going to be BUMMED!

And me?  I’m going to be sitting pretty, having already accomplished my resolutions for the year.

There is another reason that the manageable resolution is a much better idea.  Say you decide that your resolution is to expand your cooking horizons and you make 1 new recipe sometime in February.  You’ll think, “Hey, that felt great!” because you’ll have completed your New Year’s resolution.  You’ll be riding high from that sense of accomplishment and you’ll think “that was so easy that I’m going to expand my music horizons” and as long as you listen to one new band you wouldn’t normally listen to, then you’re set!  So really the small goals set you up to achieve more rather than the potential to start with one big goal and fail.

For the record, I plan to learn to make another soup this year and I also plan to start shopping at Whole Foods.

DO YOU SEE HOW EASY THAT IS!?  I can have my resolutions, uh, resolved, by the end of this week!

If only I were still so persuasive

This weekend’s snow was kind of awesome.

And then we had to shovel out the cars.

This is the type of thing that you just don’t think about as a little kid.  On Saturday, Boo and I went out to play in the snow and were kind of disappointed to find out that it wasn’t good packing snow.  That meant no snowmen and no snowballs.  To be honest, it was kind of a huge bummer.

And then we had to shovel out the cars.

Sunday morning was bright and sunny and the perfect time to dig out our cars.  Two cars, by the way, are a great idea until you have to dig them both out of their parking spots.  But thankfully the snow was still light, fluffy and non-packable.  As it turns out, that is the perfect type of snow to deal with when you’re shoveling your car.  I was using a neighbor’s push-broom style snow brush to get the snow off my roof and all I could think about was shoveling the driveway as a little kid.  My driveway is practically vertical which makes it a huuuuuge pain to shovel.  You get this great groove going, it’s all downhill, gravity is on your side and then OOOMPH!  You get the handle of the shovel straight in your gut because with all that downhill momentum you forgot that the driveway isn’t totally smooth and that the seams in the driveway are more like ENOURMOUS (1/4″ wide) divets when shoveling.

When I was younger, I usually had the honor of shoveling the driveway.  Since I’m 5 years younger than my brother he was usually struggling to wake up in time to catch the bus while I still had hours until I had to be at school.  It was a snowy morning during a year like this, when the timing was such that my brother was on a 6:40 bus (barely) and I wasn’t leaving the house for another 2 hours, that as soon as it was light out, my parents bundled me up, handed me the shovel and sent me outside.  By the time I got outside the neighborhood boys were out waiting for their middle school bus.

Now I’m not sure what I said or what I did, but the next time my parents checked on my progress they saw me standing at the top of the driveway, supervising, and the boys were pushing the shovels up and down the driveway.  A few minutes later I strolled into the house looking for a cup of hot chocolate for all my hard work.  And I got it.  Because as shocked as they were that I had conned the neighbors into shoveling, they were impressed.

If only I still had such powers of persuasion.