Suddenly I remember why I don’t miss high school…

This afternoon, a Friday afternoon, I had the unfortunate pleasure of having to run some errands in the flats. As I drove down Rt. 19, I was struck with a horrible revelation. Friday afternoon. School had started. Crap. That meant Friday night football games and myriad band geeks, majorettes, and flag girls wandering down the road from the high school to kill time until they had to get into uniform.

When I pulled into the flats it didn’t get much better. The Starbucks, which was always a popular (and by popular I mean annoyingly overcrowded) hangout after school, was more swamped than usual and girls in too-short Soffe shorts and boys in black and gold shirts flocked toward the door.

While checking out after errand stop 2 of 5, a woman at the counter blurted out, “Oh oh! Someone’s got homecoming dresses!” And sure enough, with her mom and who I could only hope (and pity) was her boyfriend, was a girl with not 1, not 2, but 3 homecoming dresses. I can only assume she was matching them for corsages at the florist next door.

I was about to be both blown away and disgusted by this. Then I learned that homecoming is September 7 this year. Actually…still blown away and disgusted. What the hell do you need 3 dresses for? Are you planning a costume change? 1 dress for dinner, 1 for pictures, 1 for the dance? This is not my Supersweet Sixteen.

What little bit of wisdom did I learn from this trip to the Wild Wild Wex? I learned that, despite the fact that I’m mid-melt down mode from the knowledge that I’ll soon be entering the real world, I would much prefer the real world, no matter how broke I’ll be, to high school.

Ain’t nothing like a flashback Friday to remind you why you were so happy to graduate in the first place.

I could be the Top Chef…if I wanted to be…or cooked

Bravo has this lovely habit of using Wednesdays to rerun, in marathon form, episodes of Top Chef. A show that, until I caught one of these marathons, I didn’t really concern myself with (my DVR is full enough as it is) but now that I’ve tasted (all puns intended) Top Chef, I can’t put down my fork (or, um, you know, the remote).

One of the reruns featured a Quickfire challenge in which the chefs had to cook something as a Mix-in to make their own Coldstone Creamery creations. Now, I took mild offense to this as I used to be an employee of Marble Slab Creamery and therefore have to pledge all allegiance to their ice cream over CC’s, but biases aside, the episode whet my appetite.

Already hungry I made the mistake of going out to pick up ice cream, having eaten the last half of the Cherry Garcia pint straight from the, well, the pint. And what did I discover, sitting right next to my staple Ben & Jerry’s flavor? Stephen Colbert’s “Americone Dream.” Vanilla ice cream with chocolate-covered waffle cone pieces and a caramel swirl.

(Are you drooling yet? It’s okay if you are.)

Combining the above ingredients (pun again intended): Top Chef + Stephen Colbert with the fact that I have a sweet tooth and a mild case of writer’s block (to be fair, it’s more like writer’s sloth…my bad), and welcome to today’s blog.

I’m going to make the argument here that I could totally be Top Chef…or at least have won that Quickfire challenge. I experimented with flavors back when I used to man the frozen slab. I mean, there isn’t much else to do on a rainy Sunday morning in the store–the Lou Bega dance parties we held while decorating cakes could only last so long. So we’d mix the peanut butter ice cream with the strawberry ice cream. Instant PB&J. Cinnamon plus coffee. A chilly cappuccino. Those are pretty basic, I’m sure. So then we started to get a little more…involved. Strawberry + banana + amaretto. Mmm smoothie. Birthday cake + chocolate + peanut butter (which was actually a little stupid of us because we could have just used the chocolate peanut butter ice cream) = a chocolate peanut butter cake.

Then, as with all good things, we took it a little too far. Trying to mix all of the pink flavors together. Strawberry + bubblegum + peppermint. Not so good. All the whites? Coconut + vanilla + sweet cream + birthday cake + banana. Yeah, really not so good.

So…after making you hungry, nauseous, and most likely bored, I’ll leave you with this. My ultimate combo, which you can get at any of the pro-Mix-in ice cream stores. Half sweet cream, half banana with Oreos.

A.J. “Mean” McLean…d-d-d-does he have it?

Everyone can appreciate a nice throwback to the good ol’ days. Boo and I are no exception. While spending a lazy Sunday on the couch, eating Dunkin Donuts Jelly Munchkins and watching GUTS on some old-school Nickelodeon channel, Boo and I were pretty surprised by what we saw.

The first person to run out, dressed in blue, was A.J. “Mean” McLean.

Excuse me?! A.J.? As in A.J. from the Backstreet Boys? Hm, well this was 1992. A.J. was born in 1978. This A.J. is 14. BSB’s A.J. would have been 14 at that point. We called in a second, well, technically a third opinion: Boo’s roommate.

After some careful scrutiny (and some research thanks to IMDB.com) the decision we arrived at was that this was, in fact, BSB’s A.J. in his early days. Pre-throngs of screaming girls. Pre-drug addiction.

However, A.J. managed to lose to Jamie, in purple. Talk about revenge.

Well there, 15-year-old girl. You may have kicked my ass in the rubber band jungle and schooled me in the white-water raft event, but look who’s a big, famous boy bander now. Think you can handle that?!

Yeah…sweet, sweet revenge.

Trials and Tribulations…

It’s the last night of my internship. Yes, I know, shed a tear if you feel the need. But don’t worry; end of internship will not translate into end of blog.

But, since it is my last night, I feel it’s only fitting that I highlight a little of what I will, and won’t, miss after my summer in suburbia.

Things I will miss:
Cat of the Day.
G-mailing Jenny when I was too lazy to walk the 12 ft. to her desk.
People freaking out at the printer.
Getting new printers at least once a month as a result.
Opening the door for the sports guys. (Nothing personal Boo, it was just an excuse to get up).

Things I won’t miss:
Pittsburgh drivers.
Public (but still on private property) elevator urination.
My akward desk/chair combo. Nothing was ever the right height.
Getting off work at 1 a.m. I’ve missed sleep. I’ve missed it so much.

When all is said and done, well…I’m a little glad it’s done.

Adventures in ‘breaking the seal’ and other signs Pittsburgh fans have no self control

The security guard in our building has just informed us that Steelers fans have been relieving themselves in our elevators.**

Why I had to sign 2 separate sheets and have a photo ID to park my car in the lot that I am registered to park in and then sign another sheet to enter the building and these schmucks can saunter in and piss in my elevator is beyond me.

Just another sign that when tailgating gets to be too much, Pittsburgh fans belong to the “why use the parking lot when there is a perfectly private elevator to break the seal in?” school of thought.

**I feel I should note that our elevators are carpeted.

Irreverent Headline #16

Two irreverent heds in one night? Be still my heart!!

For a story about a study that says being fat is a better predictor for absenteeism in elementary school than any other factor:

Out like a fat kid in dodgeball

The story goes on to say that being obese/missing school will lead to a number of problems down the road, including but not limited to: AIDS, drug use and teen pregnancy.

I’m not sure I even have words for this one….

Irreverent Headline #15

For a story about the monsoons leading to a higher number of snake bites in India:

Monsoons bite

Plain. Simple. Sadly unprintable.

Calling in humid

Dear Employer,

I am writing to let you know that I will not be making it into the office tonight. I am calling in humid.

The humidity for the past week has been, approximately, 179% Now, this is of course an exaggeration, but my hair seems to think it is an accurate depiction, thus the reason I will not be coming in to the office.

My hair has nearly doubled in size in the last few days and I can no longer contain it. I have curly hair, it happens, but I can no longer overlook the fact that people are concerned about my “recent electric shock.” That Albert-Einstein-forgot-my-comb look is out. To be fair, I’m not sure that it was ever in in my lifetime.

And so, since I am lacking an afro pick and flowered dress, I am calling in humid. The air is hot, the office is cold, and Pippi Longstocking braids are not on the dress code.

Thanks for understanding. I’ll be back when the rain subsides.

Lauren

Irreverent Headline #14

This might have been my favorite irreverent headline of the summer. It was so good that I’m even providing a little background, which you know I never do.

Now, I love Dane Cook. He might be the funniest man alive. And, to quote him, his material is “so true, and that’s why it’s funny. It is so true, that’s why it’s funny. Because it’s so true, hence funny.”

Some of the best stories to edit here are the columns. The guys usually have something interesting to say, and even when they write about boring stuff (think politics or public transportation) they make it interesting.

So today’s column (or more accurately, tomorrow’s) was all about this columnist getting mad because people turn around in his driveway. He even bought a gold chain to string across it to prevent, as Dane Cook would call them, Driveway Intruders.

I open this story, start reading, and immediately know that the headline MUST be a D.C. reference. Now, the good people of Pittsburgh (at least those who would be reading our paper) would probably not be up on their Dane Cook, but I fit the headline anyway–for my amusement and yours:

What?? I don’t know this car!

Oh if only we could actually print that….

Irreverent Headline #13

For a story about how a neighboring state hasn’t quite kept up with their dam inspections:

Dam Safety Engineering Program calls lack of inspections a dam failure